you and your partner are a good match, it can be easy to have a long-term fulfilling, relationship. If you are a bad match it can be
Deciding on whom and when to marry and
committing yourself to a primary relationship are significant life
decisions with long-term consequences, and should not be taken lightly
or made quickly or without sufficient data and careful consideration. You
should not be guided by your feelings and emotions in making these
decisions because they are too misleading and narrowly focused. By all
means consider your feelings, but be guided by your judgment.
In order to have a long-term, fulfilling
marital relationship you must be considerate, respectful and true to
your spouse and to yourself. Most people understand that how they
treat their partner is important, but do not realize that how they
treat themselves is equally important. It might be even more
Be direct, honest and respectful to the
other person and yourself. If you donít treat your partner right, you
will be paving a path that leads to problems and resentment. Donít
let bother, upset, disappointment and little problems fester and turn
into resentment or depression in you. Be respectful of yourself and
let your partner know what is important to you. If you avoid conflict
you cannot have a long-term, fulfilling relationship.
It is your life and you are responsible for
it. Be clear with yourself about what kind of life you ideally want
based upon your needs and values and be active in trying to achieve
it. Also know what personality characteristics and values you want
your partner to have. Be clear with yourself about your minimum
requirements or what and how much of your ideal you can do without and
still be satisfied. Make sure you are clear and realistic about this
and then never settle on something that is less than your minimum
These are the standards that you should use
when considering someone as a potential mate. See how he/she fits into
what you want. If your best judgment leads you to believe that living
with that person on a daily basis will allow you to have the kind of
life you want, then it is probably worth getting to know the person
better. If there is something about the person that would likely lead
you to a life that is below your bottom line, move on and donít put
any more time in the relationship. It is not wise to spend a lot of
time with someone unsuitable until the right person comes along. You
risk developing an emotional bond with that person which may make it
very difficult for you to end the relationship. Besides itís not
fair or respectful to that person.
It takes a long time to really get to know a
person. Donít be misled by what you see in the beginning. When a
relationship is new, people tend to be on their best behavior. A person
may be quite different after the relationship is established and has
become ordinary and routine.
Donít make a long-term commitment during
the first phase of the relationship. It is all right to commit
yourself to spending more time with the person, or to agree to be
exclusive with the person while you are developing the relationship
and getting to know each other better. Donít, however, commit
yourself to the person until after the first phase of the relationship
has passed and you are each seeing each other more clearly.
You should also delay committing yourself to
the person until after you have had a fight or two so that you get an
idea of how each of you will act and react when angry and in conflict.
If you are just nice, accommodating and
agreeable with your partner, always going along with what your partner
wants, never disagreeing or requiring your partner to accommodate you,
you will unintentionally teach that person that your needs and wants
donít matter. You will help the person learn not to be sensitive or
respectful to you. Disappointments, hurts, frustrations, irritations
and anger will fester inside of you and eventually poison you to the
Your potential partner needs to get to know
you, so be visible, open and honest yourself from the beginning. If
you start a relationship hiding and pretending, you canít really
trust and fully enjoy the relationship. You will be haunted by the
fear that the person may not like or accept you if he/she discovers what
you are really like and you will be insecure in the relationship. If
you are open, honest and visible about who and how you are, some
people will like you and some will not. But the feelings toward you
and acceptance of you by those who do like you will be solid and real.
Similarities for Smoother Relationships
||Highly important core beliefs and values regarding ethics, morals,
religion, spiritual, cultural and political issues.
Contents and style of life. Desire and need for affection and
togetherness. Parenting and discipline. Standards of cleanliness and
order. Beliefs regarding division of labor and responsibilities.
Level of need and desire for social activities, amount of involvement
with others, types of activities and frequency.
Denying or disregarding information you already have about the person
that is an indication of a dysfunction or problem.
||Focusing only on the positive. Not wanting to know about the
weaknesses, limitations and bad habits. You need to see the person
clearly, the good and the bad.
Deciding the person is right for you when you are madly in love or are
still in the first phase of the relationship. When you fall madly in
love, enjoy the feelings, but be careful. You will be in a wonderful
"drugged state" and easily misled by your feelings, so donít
make any significant decisions. Let the wonderfulness settle down
before reaching any conclusions about the person and your
Disregarding your feelings. If you donít feel good around the
person, are afraid to be yourself, or canít talk about certain
topics or sensitive issues, then move on and keep looking. Donít
pick someone as your significant other if you donít trust or feel
fully accepted by the person, or if you donít feel secure and safe
with the person.
someone who needs changing. Thinking you can teach and guide the
person, or love the person enough to overcome their shortcoming.
Picking someone who needs you. Pick a person who loves you and wants
to be with you, not someone who needs you. The person may not want you
in the future after the need is met.
Getting in a relationship when you are needy, or are on the rebound
and havenít finished grieving the loss of another love.
||Just being nice and accommodating, always trying to make the person
happy, never doing anything that might upset the person, or trying too
hard to get the person to like you. The relationship has to work for
both of you, and you both have to share the responsibility for making
You can increase the probability that you
will find the right partner if you are friendly and socially active.
You will decrease the probability if you don't talk to people or
Donít make finding a partner your primary
goal. Your own well-being should be your primary goal. Donít go to
activities just to meet someone. Primarily go to events and activities
that you have a genuine interest in or are curious about. Since you
are also interested in meeting someone, chose the events that will
also likely attract the kind of person you want to meet.